What's Next
In a shocking move, calls will not be answered at all – let alone in the order they were received
September will be declared National “The Calendar Needs To Be Adjusted So More Causes Can Be Promoted” Awareness month
The North Atlantic will leave NATO, returning to an alliance with the rest of the Atlantic - which will then negotiate a pact with the Pacific. Panama to act as intermediary
Taylor Swift will extend her tour by adding a show in geosynchronous earth orbit
Someone will claim that a particular issue “cannot be overstated”, while others will maintain they are 200% sure it can be
Commentators who note that something is trending on social media will clarify whether the trend is up or down
Hopping backwards across Antarctica, paddling up the Nile in a Tupperware container & other contrived feats of human endurance will be replaced by competitive reality TV binge-watching
The ‘History of the World in 100 Objects’ list will be revised, becoming a handful of inventions/creations & 95 plastic bags
Etsy will expand the use of AI – combining seller Artisanal Intelligence with buyer Authentic Ignorance to encourage shopping for items that just look like they are homemade or vintage
Amid record high temperatures & flooding, those refusing to acknowledge the impact of global climate change will check if their resolve holds when there’s both hell AND high water
University cafeterias will be required to serve Neapolitan ice cream that has court-approved flavor proportions. Chocolate chip ice cream will remain permissible so long as the chips are well dispersed
The golden rule ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ will be modified, acknowledging that it doesn’t apply so well to consenting adults in an S&M relationship
An updated edition of the board game Clue will be released in the US – with a focus on mass shootings. Given that they are committed pretty much anywhere & by just about anybody, the challenge will be to determine which firearm was used
Inspired by the change in birthday policy announced by S Korea, Born Again Christians will soon start counting their age starting from when they were ‘Born Again’. With this reset, many of those soon to be under 18 will have to ask for some serious forgiveness
Snipe – a new social network platform – will launch, exclusively for squabbles between billionaire tech bros
