Rapscallion

No. 2

Headlines:

WW4 TO EITHER BE FOUGHT BY AI ROBOTS OR BY PEOPLE WITH STONES, DEPENDING ON OUTCOME OF WW3

FRIEND WITH BENEFITS INCLUDES 401K, DENTAL

TEXTBOOK RESPONSE SOURCED FROM WRONG TEXTBOOK

NATURE CHANGES PHONE PLAN, NOW ONLY TEXTS

UTAH WATER – FLUORIDE REMOVED, WHITENER STAYS

DWAYNE JOHNSON MAINTAINS CONTROL OVER THE DOME OF THE ROCK

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DENMARK PLANNED LOW-KEY INVASION, USE OF UNDERWHELMING FORCE

COPENHAGEN, DENMARK – Following the hack of his Jahoo account, Danish Defense Minister Olaf Olsen has acknowledged that Denmark had plans in place for a discreet infiltration of the US. “It only became a consideration after President Trump announced he would have Greenland”, Olsen explained, adding, “We have no interest in the US becoming our 3rd autonomous territory, however Denmark has a critical need for resources which are very hard to find outside the US”. He stressed that long-term Danish security and prosperity required assertiveness-enhancing materials such as Tech Bromium from the West Coast and ore from the Temerity mines in the Dakotas. “Our attempts to trade Wegovy for access to those were unsuccessful. So, together with our Scandinavian allies, we were going to stage five million micro-processor controlled Lego minifigures - from our Viking collection - in IKEA warehouses across the US”. He admitted that they might have been used for leverage in any negotiations, as deploying them could have had painful consequences for the bare feet of Americans. The Danish Government has since apologized unreservedly. Told that US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth responded to the threat by saying “F*** off, Olaf”, Olsen noted, “That’s just the kind of aggressive and dismissive attitude Denmark lacks and needs”.