Purple Prose
Trump may now think he’s a bull moose like Teddy Roosevelt. Though while the former president tries to emulate Grover Cleveland, he’s actually more like the Grover with unnatural color & who provides bad service. Biden perhaps has a parallel with FDR. If you say it quickly, Harris sounds like Harry S.
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JR Biden Jr - junior
JD Vance JD – law degree
DJ Trump… DJ? - Brandmaster Cash
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Overheard in Milwaukee:
It’s so great - the US has a tall, powerful man who’s not too old, knows how to fight & win and having part of his right ear missing is like an honorable battle scar. I am a little concerned about his color, though.
Yeah, he is looking particularly orange these days.
Surely you mean black – I was talking about Evander Holyfield
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Biden Interview:
Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to sit for this interview
Gravity man, it’s tough. But enough sitting, help me up, I’m running! Now look, maybe I can’t cover the 100 in 10 flat but I can shuffle at least 10 in under 100. And of course I can still bench press 500 ounces. OK, so I used to be able to harvest an entire bushel of malarkey & now I can only handle it by the bunch, big deal. I’m in it to win it, at least until the Pope tells me it’s time for a last supper - & it better be before 5pm. The fact of the matter is George Bush won the presidency in ’88 when he was in his 60s and George Bush was president again 20 years later & he seemed to be aging well.
Did you watch the debate?
I don’t think so because I’m not sure I was in it. Considered watching the filmstrip early afternoon next day but couldn’t because I was out to lunch. I did listen to it though, with the sound turned down - but the closed captioning reminded me of my recent meeting with Mitterand – he speaks French you know, & I couldn’t understand a damn word he said. So I watched the debate from 2020 – much better & of course a good lead in to when we beat the hell out of medicare, just like I beat Trump. Look - he hasn’t a beating that bad since that dame in the bustier took him to the mattresses.
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RNC speech:
It’s actually too painful to tell you exactly what happened last Saturday so instead I’m going to give you my personal reflection on the events. I’m all in favor of recounting things when it suits me. So here we go - & I can assure you that any embellishments are approved by the almighty, along with my sons. And I know God would be OK with it as well. And if you happen to miss this speech, fear not – a gloriously embellished illuminated text version – The Book of Donald – will be available via ‘Struth Social.
I felt something hit me really, really hard. On my right ear. I said to myself, “Wow, what was that – a firecracker? A dope slap? No - It can only be a bullet.”
There was so much blood. An amount like I haven’t seen since that debate run by Megyn Kelly. Yes, there was blood pouring everywhere, and yet in a certain way I felt very safe because I had God on my side. I felt that. Good old god, I owe him one so I’m going to promote his book, too!
The most incredible aspect of what took place on that terrible evening, in the fading sun, was actually seen later. In almost all cases, as you probably know, when even a single bullet is fired, just a single bullet, and we had many bullets that were being fired, many in the crowd pull out their own weapons & start firing back, or just firing generally. But not in this case. It was very unusual. I figured it was because they knew that divine intervention would protect us – well me, anyway. Later someone told me it was because they weren’t allowed weapons – I mean, how unconstitutional is that? Couldn’t everyone just have had to pass some sort of psychological screening test?
Anyway - nobody ran and, by not stampeding, many lives were saved. Man, those Muslims doing that Hajj thing could learn a thing or two about crowd control from the millions who came on a pilgrimage to see me.
I stand before you in this arena only by the grace of almighty God – well also because, you know, the chart I turned to look at was based on one from Senator Ron Johnson & Fred Thompson was a Republican senator who also did a Die Hard movie and so on. You know it’s the 40th anniversary of Footloose. Hey, thanks Kevin, for saving my Bacon!
And watching the reports over the last few days, many people say it was a providential moment. Probably was. When I rose, surrounded by Secret Service, the crowd was confused because they thought I was dead. And there was great, great sorrow. Wailing & gnashing of teeth filled the land. A plague of locusts hovered, ready to descend. I could see that on the believers’ faces as I looked out through the shower of blood. Really, did you ever see the black knight in the Holy Grail? Horrible movie, not funny at all, but that’s about how much blood there was. The people didn’t know I was looking out; they thought it was over. And there was a small sorrowful group off to the side holding up bibles and chanting something like “rise up, Lazy ass” – seemed kind of rude.
But I could see them and I wanted to do something to let them know I was OK. My hair was messed up so they knew it was serious. I raised my right arm, looked at the thousands and thousands of people that were breathlessly waiting and started shouting, “Fight, fight, fight.” The crowd was stunned – “fight who, with what?”
Once my clenched fist went up, and it was high into the air, you’ve all seen that, the crowd realized I was OK and roared with pride for our country like no crowd I have ever heard before. Never heard anything like it. And I said, let me get my shoes - according to my bio I’m meant to be 6’3”
And not only will we make America great again I’m going to supercharge humility – we will achieve the most awesome humility, the like of which you have never seen. Humbleness that is second to none.
Thank you, thank you very much.
Finally – after much pressure from people everywhere who say I deserve more recognition – I am pleased to announce that on January 20, 2025 the Treasury will issue a brand new bill. It will feature a picture of me on both sides – one with two ears & one with 1 ¾ ears. A $47 bill. Priced at $49.95. Proceeds will go towards updating Mt Rushmore.