Prince Harry, apparently your big brother knocked you to the floor. Could you explain what happened?
Mr. Hamlin, apparently another player knocked you to the ground. Could you explain what happened?
Yes it’s true – his royal baldness came striding into my cottage & started to really lose it - talk about going spare. He used, shall we say, colorful language about my wife & her effect on the firm then flung me onto the pet’s bowl.
Well actually it was more like I knocked him to the ground. We were playing on Monday night football, I tackled a Bengali dude – I mean a Bengal – who was running up field. Nothing unusual, not a big hit, but felt a bit weird in my chest &, next thing you know, I’m out cold & getting colder.
And what happened next?
Well, I looked like a dog’s breakfast. First I had to stand up & remove the semi-precious stones & pieces of sirloin that were stuck to my back. Then I told Willy that what he did was not cricket & that Chuck would disapprove.
A bunch of EMTs & MDs ran over & started working on me. Man they were great. Turned out my heart had stopped, scary stuff. Still not sure why as I’d tackled people like that a thousand times before with no problem. Anyway, they managed to get it going but for a minute or two it seemed like the tock had run out on my ticker.
Please continue
Well then he called me a rotter & that he wanted me to hit him. I told him to retreat to the palace, which, thankfully, after the valet opened the door, he did. Then the valet helped me take my shirt off & next thing you know the dog is licking my back. Not very hygienic I suppose but have to say it was rather comforting. Then I had an idea.
It was like everything was happening in slow motion. People were giving me CPR, getting out all kinds of equipment, crying, praying, checking Fan Duel on their phones – it was quite the scene. It was as if I was floating way above my body, looking down at the whole scene. Yet in all the commotion, I was strangely calm, except for one thing.
And what was that?
A book! I should write a memoir
I’m afraid of heights.
Do go on
Well Meghan thought it was a great idea. We could get our side of the story out. Earn some serious money to replace the allowance that disappeared when we dropped the royal obligations & moved to a former colony. Maybe some TV interviews, too, & product endorsements. Affluencers! Perhaps with a little help from a ghostwriter.
Then I heard a beautiful voice say that it was kind of ironic that my position was ‘Safety’ & told me to go towards the light. And I said: It’s a night game & the stadium is surrounded by really bright flood lights – which one? “Good point”, the voice said, “I’ll get back to you”. Then nothing. Just as I start to think I’ve been ghosted I’m in an ambulance & off to the hospital. Phew – close call.
What are your thoughts on the ‘big picture’ arising from this incident?
There’s no such thing as bad publicity they say. I mean name recognition & people wanting a photo are one thing but let’s face it, it comes down to economics. You have to monetize where you can. Pretty soon I can apply for US citizenship - maybe there’s a place in politics for me. Would be a novelty to not just be appointed.
It was a freak accident & if things work out maybe I can switch to a safer sport that still pays well – you know, Mixed Martial Arts, driving a race car, that sort of thing. Still got some big bills to pay, with or without the Bills. Oh, & I found out later that several of the docs who worked on me were atheists. Maybe the thoughts & prayers being offered were mostly just good for the people who were doing the thinking & praying - & that’s OK. People say football is just a game but it’s a game with a lot of really big businesses wrapped around it. And the NFL wrapping is covered in advertising. Heaven help the fire-fighters, construction workers, miners & many others. Big risk but much smaller bucks.
Any final suggestions arising from your recent experience?
We’re thinking our next move might be TV. Hosting a game show, if the price is right, or launching a new reality show called American Idle. And with Meghan’s experience in soap operas we could produce one of those. Maybe Uncle Andrew would audition for a role as a bad guy, he’d be a natural.
Speaking of bucks, I realize the NBA Milwaukee Bucks are named after an animal but I’m thinking every pro sports team where people earn ridiculous amounts for playing games should be called the Bucks. So there would be the Chicago Bucks, the Denver Bucks, the Tampa Bay Bucks & so on. That would be a constant reminder that ultimately these sports leagues are really all about the bucks.
Many less well-known people face problems at least as daunting as those you face. Do you feel that your situation really deserves all the extra attention?
Well… probably not
Well… probably not
And is there continued interest in your story from the media?
Oh yeah, they can’t get enough of it
Oh yeah, they can’t get enough of it