It's a Wonderbread Life
DJT was depressed, his net worth & his fan base were both shrinking. Feeling powerless & near his wit’s end – which is right next to where his wit begins – he raised a gold plated pistol &… aimed at a random passer-by on Fifth Avenue. Suddenly, an instant before DJT could pull the trigger, one of the men in black appeared next to him & fired a round into the air. Startled, DJT turned towards the man. “Who are you?” he asked – as frightened pedestrians gave them both a wide berth. “You don’t recognize me?” Clarence intoned in a deep voice. “Of course I do”, said DJT, “ahhh, either Will Smith or Black Adam”
“Wrong”
“You do sound familiar - Darth Vader voice guy?”
“Are you kidding?”
“Herschel?”
“Clarence Thomas, you dolt. I’m your guardian Justice” replied Clarence, tersely.
“I knew that”, said DJT. “And by the way, good thing for both of us that I’m the least racist person you know. It’s pretty bigly that you also can get away with this shooting thing, too. So, how do you get away with it?”
“Oh just a very particular application of the ‘stand your ground’ doctrine. It helps when you get to interpret the rules. Anyway, with this many people nearby someone was surely a threat so I stood my ground & deployed my firearm as the originalists intended”
“What’s with the guardian thing?”
“Every former president gets assigned a guardian justice to watch over them, for the benefit of the body politic at large - & in your case, also the large impolitic body”
“Well I do deserve special treatment. And of course Obama never told me about this. I suppose he gets one?
“Oh yes, in fact he gets two because, you know, two terms”
“Yeah, well don’t bring that second term thing up. I was ripped-off. My win was stolen because of massive election fraud & fake news”
“OK, if that’s what you think”
“Forget thinking, it’s a fact - & not even an alternative one. Too bad you & your judgey pals didn’t set things right”
“You know, I can leave if that’s your preference. Doesn’t matter to me, I’ve already got lifetime wings”
“No, no, actually it’s good you showed up because I’m concerned that, even though so many people still respect me & voted for me, there are now all kinds of enquiries, investigations, lawsuits & so on that are targeting me & the only other thing that is precious to me – my money. So I could use some help”
“Did you have something in mind?”
“Well, I was actually wondering what it would be like if I wasn’t a trillionaire”
“You’re not – in fact probably not even a billionaire. Maybe just a multi-millionaire”
“OK, but very multi. Anyway, I think when it comes to 2024 my base might actually like me even more if I came from even more humble beginnings & battled through even more adversity than I actually experienced. As if I was not born… rich.”
“Well, I don’t know, that’s a big ask. I’m not sure, let me check if there is a quorum of colleagues. Hmmm. OK, they’ve agreed. Done. It’s as if you were never born… rich”
“Hey, how about that. I don’t feel any different. Now what?”
“That’s up to you”
“Well I don’t want to go through all the actual schmaltzy ‘George Bailey’ type hardship of not coming from money - I’m from NYC, not Bedford Falls. Just show me a video with all my life story highlights, of even more people being taken by me – I mean, taken with me - because of my humble roots & ability to rise to the top. Let’s go back to my office at Trump Tower, I’ve got one helluva big TV there”
“Can’t do that – there is no Trump tower, no Mar-a-lago home base either, no secret service, no golf courses – none of that stuff”
“Are you kidding? Given my talents, that’s hard to believe”
“It’s because you were not given a lot of money & never amounted to anything. I tell you what, under normal circumstances you would now not rate a Wikipedia entry but just for this exercise, here’s what it would look like”, Clarence said, as he pulled out his supreme smart phone.
DJT - Born June 4, 1946. Father was neck tie salesman Fred Trump. Attended PS 123 & Queens Community College. GPA not available. Drafted but deemed psychologically unfit for service. Bone spurs not a factor. Works in hospitality.
“Why no mention of my wives?”
“Well their social circles didn’t exactly overlap with yours & you never met. All three went on to marry successful businessmen or professionals. Turns out you didn’t have much appeal without your money. You did have a girlfriend named Violet for a while but she found you a bit crude, so you remained single. One tendency that does carry over – your food preferences”
“& my businesses?”
“Nothing inherited, nothing gained. No samolians. But on the plus side, no investigations for tax fraud either”
“So – gulp - what exactly do I do for a living”
“Supervise seasonal workers - housekeepers at a casino hotel in Atlantic City. You started out actually cleaning but weren’t good enough, so of course as a white guy were promoted to oversee those who actually do the work. And yes, every now & then you get to say ‘you’re fired!’ ”
“Speaking of which - what about TV reality shows, endorsements, branding & all that”
“Never happened, your name is worth nothing”
“Oh come on, hard to believe. What about the whole MAGA movement?”
“There are a small number of magafauna, thanks to the efforts of certain conservationists, make that conservatives, but with you not in the political picture there was no Masturdon to lead them. Extinction looms.”
DJT, starting to sob, pleads: “Clarence, that’s enough. Take me back to my money – I want to have been born rich again, I want to be rich again.
“Hmmm, let me check. Well, I’d let you but, sorry, turns out no can do”
“What!”
“It’s not up to me. In ‘no silver spoon world’ you didn’t get to be well known, didn’t become president so didn’t appoint 3 justices & the court now tilts 6-3 liberal. The majority decided things in the US are indeed much better with you never having been born… rich, so they took executive… they took judicial action & will not let you revert. They understand it’s a bold intervention on their part but apparently in the national interest. Too bad.”
“Covfefe!!”