Hey, looky here, could be time for another mystery tour. Let the adventure begin. I hope this guy actually uses bookmarks. Hey fella, how’s it going. Yeah, you look good, too. Peruse to your heart’s content. Oooh, nice hands.
Great, only five pages in & it looks like he’s about to nod off. Hey, Mr droopy eyelids, if you’re tired or just not in the mood have a nap, why don’t you – I can wait. I deserve your full attention. You can’t do justice to the reasons behind unrelenting jealousy when you’re half asleep. Better to read me once while fully conscious than three times when half asleep.
OK, the word is “parlous”. Say it out loud. There you go, well done. No – nothing to do with a parlor. Wait, now you’re looking up “parlor”?
You missed the point – she deliberately had the watch engraved with his name misspelled, it wasn’t an accident. And you better read that last paragraph again, more carefully - the café is on the corner of 15th St, not 16th. That’s important. Ok, not that important, please put the highlighter down.
To be clear, I find accompanying you to the bathroom very distasteful. You can explore every aspect of character development without revealing all of yours.
No – stop. For god’s sake don’t skip to the end. All the most suspenseful plot devices are in the last few chapters, are you trying to ruin the build-up to the big reveal? Oh right, like you’re actually committed to going back & reading all those details you just passed over - after you know who did it. I bet. You’re not fooling anyone. I don’t know why I bothered - you don’t treat me with respect.
Look, it seems you just made a bad choice… no, that’s harsh. The shelver made a bad choice in putting me in such a prominent spot. Yes, you’re right, the cover artwork was a bit misleading – I’m not that steamy. And who actually calls it a bodice these days. Surely you know not to take blurbs seriously - did you recently move from comics to paperbacks?
Perhaps we’re just not right together. This relationship seemed like it had promise, but then I always start out hopeful. I came on too strong, which got your hopes up. I’m sorry. But you must understand that’s just the way I am. Yeah, maybe I’m pretty spineless & I’ve been around the block a few times but surely you could tell when you picked me up – from the ingrained smell of smoke, coffee & hand sanitizer.
A movie? There were rumors, but it never happened.
Let’s just put it down to experience & go our separate ways. You’ll find a better match. I feel like I have no control over my fate – destined to circulate until I fall apart. So please just drop me in the return chute & move on, or if that’s too much trouble at least put me in the little free library down the street & I’ll take my chances. Wait no – not the basement! That’s breaking the law. It’s cold & damp among those mildewed magazines! Please, I beg you, just let me go back & try another reader – it’s a tough existence but I’m used to it. Stop, No. Don’t do it! You left clues you fool, they’ll track you down – you won’t get away with this!
I’ve tried reading you like a book — but you’re more like a magazine…sometimes a manual
College roommate and I used to buy bodice rippers for each other and skim through to highlight the steamy parts, so the recipient wouldn’t have to wade through the extraneous stuff. We never stopped to think about the book’s feelings.